I’m sad. I’ve been stressing about which direction to about my life. The end is near to where I should make a decision.
I’ve entered back in to my blood line family’s life about 3 years ago. I was in Kansas City and things weren’t going so well so I did what I do best pack my things and go.
I’ve learned no matter where you go for what ever reason your real friends and family will accept you for whom you are. Your friends will catch up with you. Things will pick up like years haven’t passed. Of course there is a slight change but the foundation of what built those relations are still there.
Today is Thanksgiving. It’s just my cousin Meme and I. Going to my brothers house for a little then probably visit Jimmy’s fam. Although Meme doesn’t feel comfortable around them as much, I am going to try to make her go. I want to spend time with my family. I haven’t in several years. Jimmy and I are brothers. We’ve had our ups and downs. Thats what brothers do right? I’m sure his mom would love to see her three sons all at one time. LOL.
Last night was the 6th annual bar crawl the group does.. First time I was in town to experience it. It was fun. Didn’t plan on drinking but it happens.. At the end of the night we planned on going out to eat but some white guy pulled the race card in the parking lot. Although I feel great about looking up at this big tall white guy screaming at the top of lungs in his face and he backed down. Not proud of it. That the side of me I don’t like. Guess I needed to vent some. Glad no one got arrested. He did admit it was his fault when the police showed up.
Like I said earlier… I am sad. Torn between my decisions I need to make in the next month. I’m trying to compromise with my self and my family. Meme is going back to NC after December. I need to decide either move to NC, move away from my family or what I’d prefer travel back and forth to NC so I can travel the country and world as well.
If I move to NC I’m stuck in the middle of no where. I can’t drive 2-3 hrs any direction and see a different atmosphere and city like I could here in Illinois.
If I move away from my family. I am thinking San Francisco, Denver, Phoenix, maybe Seattle. I’ve never been west of Kansas. The only down fall of moving away, I leave my brother, my niece, my nephew, my cousins.. my family behind. Knowing how I am I dont put out the extra effort if they dont to try and contact me. I know the bridge goes both ways. =/ The hopes of this company I’ve been trying for the family would vanish as well.
I’d prefer the traveling around. I’ve worked hard since I was 16 trying to support my habit of cars and toys and geeky things. It kept me out of trouble. I’m street smart. I’m sort of book smart. I just haven’t applied my self in highschool, even college. I am a college drop out. I couldn’t afford to pay for it. No financial aide.. Just because my parents made too much money and I lived with in 30miles from them. They try to blame me for not wanting to go. As I told Meme couple weeks ago. I couldnt afford to go. My parents were being punks argued over who was going to pay for what. They got a divorce and got rid of me thats how I ended up in Kansas in the first place. Thinking I wanted to work at a family business car shop.
I dont regret much of anything really. Shit happens for a reason. Well Kansas I’ve learned alot. I want to apply my knowledge, skills and quick learning to a business for the family. That is what I’ve been trying to do for over 2 years now. I have big hopes and dreams for the family they just don’t realize it. Just because I didn’t go to college and work for a big firm doesn’t mean I can’t be successful at what I want to do.
After walking back into my family’s life I don’t want to leave them. Just having that comfort of some one being there to laugh with or at is what counts. After what felt like being alone for several years… I can’t do it any more… I’m getting old one of these days I’d like to find a wife and have kids. I’m hoping this one gal will be still available when the time is right. I’m single. I have been for several years. Living and learning. I want to get this business off the ground and be financially stable before I go out looking for this luckiest lady in the world.
Well, there you have it. A little taste of whats on my mind.
Thankful for life.
Categories: Dear Journal