Dearest public journal of mine,
Truth is I am in a different state of depression.. First time I experienced “this.” I just dont know why I led my self this way.. It just happened.. And well admiting it is the biggest start to turning “this” around.. I dunno what made me make this post today or right now.. but its happening.. Adam always asks why I dont go out on the weekends to play.. maybe “this” was why i dont want to go out as much? in the past year I’ve gained about 30lbs.. thats not good.. considering I was at 170 5 years ago.. couple years ago I peaked at 235lbs.. right now I am at 225.. Last month I was 210.. “This” made me gain weight..
What ever “this” is doesnt make me happy at all honestly.. I dont really care about anything any more.. thats the sad part.. “this”
I was doing fine recovered from my rock bottom state of doing nothing with my life for 3 months straight (i seriously stayed home and didnt goto work or out) I met a girl and well lets just say 6 months after her is when “this” started. Honestly.. Its me. I am my own problem. I know how to fix my own problems. I know how to give advice. yet I dont take my own advice I give. “this” has consumed me this past year and a half. makes me wonder why I let my self slip. I remember Stan and Jimmy used to ask me if I was depressed and I said no. I never admitted for a while. But after I finally did I got better.. Its been a while since Ive actually had a deep down to earth talk with either Stan or Jimmy.. It’s like we drifted apart.. Honestly we all more like grew up. And I honestly feel I have nothing going for my self at the moment. I feel like I am the biggest loser I know. But I know I actually have shit going for my self and Im not the biggest loser.. Its just I feel like I put my self down. I know its always been a problem “not believing in myself” I just cant help it. The “self confidence” isnt there. Its like “this” has gotten me to find the enjoyment in food… which is bad.. since I am on the “mechanics diet.” Everytime older women (IE: friends parents, aunties, older friends) ask me do I have a girlfriend yet? “I say Im not currently looking at the moment” & “I dont care for one”.. The truth behind that is.. I’d rather be comfortable with my self and be in a stable state before I take on a companion that might have some sort of issues. We all have some sort of issues right? but we deal with it and compromise.. As Stan said before. I can get girls I choose not to… If I ever came across a gal that was remotely intrested in me and I caught the signals and I was diggin’ her I’d hollar.. I can never pass up a chance to find some type of “love & happiness” She may not be the one at first .. but she can be the one.. Age is nothing but a number. As long as its legal dont want to goto jail. =P I just wonder who this lucky gal might be.. Sad to say yes I am picky on whom my companions are most of the time. I tend to think with my head that actually has a brain. Anyways.. After Xmas I quit eating junk food and start eating healthy again and start counting calories and hit the gym.. I need to loose about 50lbs.. need to do some weight reduction for race season.. car is light cant get any lighter so might as well do some weight reduction on myself right? 2010.. I get my own racecar.. yay! I also would like to get an autoX car and possibly build a roadrace car as well.. but we will see.. The future is very promising at the moment.. Things will get better and I will be a better me.
BTW.. I know my dad doesnt read this much..
But Happy Birthday Dad! I wish I could be there with you in Seattle.. I havent seen your face in 5 years.. I love you.. <3
Categories: Dear Journal