Last weekend I went to Illinois to pick up a hatch.. Julie said she saw my moms at the viet store.. So i called my mom twice and she didnt pick up. My moms didnt get to see me. She didnt tell me she was going to Illy.. She usually does.. or has she been going with out saying? But anyways.. thats kinda fuxed up i guess.. she goes to see my brother but only came out here once in 4 years to see me.. She always tells me to meet her there.. Well.. I cant make it all the time if im doing things or i dont have funds to travel that far.. She knows what position im in and she doesnt really have a solution to help. Just move back to illinois.. at first was move to North Carolina.. Now its to illinois after i decieded i didnt want to move back any more.. I was trying to get her to allow me to stay at the condo when i moved back.. But she let my brother move in Again… so i decided not to move back.. Unspoken words and agreements in this non existing family sucks. Blood is thicker than water.. and i only have one brother and one mother and one father.. Some people dont see things how i see it. The world is fucked up in many ways.. I just try to make the best of it. Im just trying to find the place where i belong. Where i fit in. Friends arent really friends some times and people that never thought of me as a friend want me to be a friend. Kinda strange i guess.. Who can i really trust, rely on when i need something…? not my mother or father… not my brother.. who? blood is thicker than water… Sure i am growing up. But ive always been at this growing up thing for the longest time by my self.. no family support what so ever. broken family. no relatives that i can rely on either. wtf!?! sure there are people in worse positions than me, but shit.. im just stating what the fuck i want to say.. I just want to be happy and be where i belong or fit in. Is that so hard to ask? Life is a funny thing. . . Sure i have friends that would help me out, but would they really do it? help me out no questions asked. I dont think so. If they asked me its done. Comes back to the point where people dont see shit the way i see it. sucks.. i dont know what to say.
Leave me a comment.
Categories: Dear Journal
Bro, that sucks about missing out and not getting to see your moms. I can relate about the broken family, as you remember I went through some family issues back in highschool. Things have panned out and everyone pretty much found there place. My father is more of what I as this moment would call, “a remote father.” He tries to call once a week or so and would love for me to call him that much. But scar tissue is there and I still unintentional hold the grudge to him. The closer I get to my mom and pick at her about how things were before us and when when we were younger, what was really going on with them. Interesting conversations my mother and I have. But buck up bro. If I needed to fall on my support system out here in Denver, I have no doubt they would be there. Don’t think for a second that friends can’t be as solid as family. Think about talking about sex and other deep conversations you have with friends. You probably don’t talk like that to you mother. That would be weird. Friends can be great. Just find and keep those that could, can, and are support system material. I think you are in a interesting position with where you can “make your family.” So much pride in having developed something like that. Or at least that’s how you should look at it. Take pride in those friends and that support network. Heck, I’m getting a warm and fuzzy just thinking about what I have out here. Not a few months ago I was looking ahead to leave. But THEY are here and I love Denver. Now I entertain the idea of finding a outside job out here and rolling with it. I’m not going to close this with talking about myself so here’s back to you. Don’t let this get you down. Next time you see your mother you have plenty to make her proud.